The final breakdown

I'm writing this post before I change my mind. It's like a real-time update if you will. It's going to sound mopey and mauldling, but please do not post sympathy comments. You see, it is New Years Eve 2015 and I am mid breakdown. And I can't decide if it's a real 'beginning of the end' episode or if it's a 'end of the beginning' process.

Let me set the scene. As I mentioned it's new years eve. I had purchased a family ticket to the festivities on Grouse Mountain. But, I am sick so have sent mia familia off to enjoy themselves. There's certain factors playing into my perceived breakdown that aren't farm related at all. Sickness, for example. I keep having to stop & curl up in the fetal position while waves of stomach pain wash over me. My loving husband was unable to fulfill my requests of medicine and supplies because he could not stop working on the greenhouse in time to go to the store. I am also without any means to light the wood burning stove (it's going down to -7 tonight) so I am confined to the bedroom, the only room with any other form of heating.

I was actually in a rather calm state of mind as everyone left, quite relieved to suffer alone. However, I got up to try and light the fire and had a bout of stomach pain at the same time. The combination of the pain, profuse sweating, the no-fire predicament and the aloneness bought on unexpected wailing that, quite frankly, I was unprepared for. You see, it was not just a sob but consisted of loud cries of "I've had enough, oh god, I've had enough"....repeatedly.

What is going on with me?! Two scenarios present themselves to me.

The Beginning of the End: I have to confess that I've been struggling with the 'why we are here' dilemma. 2015 has been a great year for the farm in many aspects; achievements, recognition, awards, events, new products, new ventures, etc. but it has also been another extremely challenging year in other ways: the ongoing well issues, drought, the loss of animals, ongoing financial challenges, relentless work and relationship difficulties with my oldest daughter. I've used two analogies to summarize all this recently. The first I think I've heard somewhere before and I've adapted. I told Laura that my life is like a bar stool. 4 legs, and each one represents part of my life. Finance, Family, Work & Health. Again this year we struggled with money, family life is difficult, work is unmanageable, and although our health is generally good, we are having some challenges with our well-being too. A stool cannot stand up with all it's legs broken.

The second analogy relates to Ian, my incredible hard working and long suffering husband. Again, something I think I've heard before and plagiarized but living with Ian, a type-A, perfectionist and workaholic, is not always easy, despite the fact that I love him very much. I sometimes feel like he is driving along in a truck and I am not in the passenger seat but hanging on by my finger tips to the window. Sometimes I slip back to the tail gate and have to claw my way back to the window, but I still can't quite make it into the cab. It's great to have a motivated and ambitious husband but with all this hanging on, I'm getting bruised. I'm gathering scar tissue and I'm not sure I will ever take a comfortable seat as his passenger or if I'll just find myself struggling to keep up forever.

The next scenario is less negative, The End of the Beginning. 2 years and 5 months we have lived here and in Ian's very modest words "We've built an empire". It's true, we need to give ourselves credit for what we've achieved, how we've hung on to our values and the compromise we've endured. We have faced road blocks at every turn but here we are, writing our business plan for 2016. Things have to be easier next year. We will have more people involved in the running of the farm, a team that I'm excited about. This winter we are finishing off building projects, fencing and roofing. We are nearly done so that pressure will be relieved. Last year we finished installing our walk-in fridge 1 day before the meat chickens were due to be processed. In fact, we were still finishing the chickens coop as they arrived! The pressure was constantly on, everything was last minute, we lived life on a knife-edge. This year, there won't be any of that....hopefully. Maybe I like the chaos? Perhaps I'm mourning not having the chaos as an excuse and I have to pretend I know what I'm doing. I'm still a rookie at this. Does being a martyr suit me? Oh god, is that what I'm struggling to let go of?

The Farming 'dream' is obviously not over for us yet. We can't afford to leave even if we wanted to. But big changes are afoot, some of which I can't talk about yet. I am excited about 2016 as much as I am resentful of the work that goes with this crazy life. I still have this niggling feeling that there is a remote homestead somewhere for me and Ian and the girls that offers peace and calm. Luckily, I am not being asked to make that decision today. The only thing I have to achieve today is pulling myself together.

Laurica Farm, winner of the Greater Langley Chamber of Commerce Business Award 2015 for Environmental Leadership

Winter attacks!

It’s been a while since my last post and that’s a reflection on how busy life has been recently.  As you may remember, I took a seasonal job in Old Navy to keep me busy during the ‘quiet winter period’ on the farm. Pfft!  Winter has not brought rest.  Ian erected flood lights and we just carried on working in the dark, after the day jobs.  Old Navy has been good for me though.  I quite enjoy being around people who are constantly happy.  I’ve enjoyed making new friends that aren’t poultry and the light, fun atmosphere.  I’ve even enjoyed that madness that comes with sales and the quiet solitude of losing myself in sorting a heap of clothes balanced precariously on a table.  The whole work thing is proving a bit of a challenge for me personally though.  Trying to juggle a civilized work environment with rural farm life has presented both comic moments and feelings of failure.  For example, there was the time I was so rushed to get the school run done, buy chicken feed and get to work before 9am that I forgot to change out of my farm footwear!  I parked outside Old Navy only to be hit by the realization that I had boots on that were covered in paint and chicken poop.  Luckily for me, Old Navy is right by Walmart.  What I should have done is go and buy a cheap pair of shoes but my flustered brain did not choose that logic.  Instead I went and purchased some Brillo pads and cleaned my Hunter boots.  Also lucky for me, Hunter boots are quite fashionable at the moment and so when I strolled into Old Navy in my Hunters, a coworker said to me “I just love your style, the way you rock the country chic look is awesome”.  Well thank you naïve sole.  I love being an accidental style icon!

There has been quite a bit of progress on the farm as well as some harsh realities.  We have extended Chickingham Palace and there are additional occupants.  We now have 41 birds.  For those of you interested in chicken breeds, we have Caramel Queens (our only non-heritage breed), Coronation Sussex, Australoops, Amercaunas, (the blue egg layers) & Leghorns.  We also got 3 bantams (2 girls and a boy) for Jessica to tend to and enjoy.  We’re getting around 18 eggs a day now in a beautiful array of colours including white, hues of pink, brown and blue.  Despite plummeting temperatures and snow fall we have not lost any birds and although egg production slowed down during the cold spell, it didn’t stop.  I hate to gloat but this has made us feel good, especially as our experienced farming neighbours have significantly less eggs from the same amount of birds.  It’s really not about competition, but it certainly boosts our confidence that we are doing ok with the livestock.

The extension in progress

We built an asparagus bed in front of the barn extension as this is an area that gets a lot of sunlight.  I almost sustained serious injury (well, to my pride at least) during this endeavour.  I was filling the bed with compost (my home made compost!) when I went to push a lump of soil with a rake.  The lump was not moving and I had my legs against the wooden perimeter.  The result of me pushing unmoving soil and having no leverage resulted in me pushing myself backwards over the edge of the bed, much to Ian’s amusement.

Ian’s friend was looking for somewhere to park his excavator between jobs and so we struck a deal.  He could bring it here & we could use it.  And so we have started levelling out a plot for a hot house and excavating the site of the duck pond.  We’ve also started the pig and goat house in the front paddock.

Laurica Farm has had another opportunity to present itself as a master of social gatherings, this time in the form of Jessica’s 6^th birthday party.  On a beautiful sunny day at the end of November, 20 kids and their parents descended on us.  I had planned numerous party games to amuse the kids but they just turned into a wild, marauding bunch of squealing and laughing animals.  So we just left them to it.  We called them into the heated barn to feed them and sing happy birthday but then just left them to enjoy the fresh air.  There were a few tired kids by the end of it!  It’s a privilege to hear to sound of kids experiencing unconfined joy (right up until someone fell into a satellite dish of frozen water).  The other thing that brought me pleasure that day was to see the parents stay.  Some of these people we know well but some we have had limited contact with.  Everyone stayed at the party and had a glass of wine and some snacks by the fire pit.  That’s what this little piece of land excels at; making people relax.

There have also been some side projects here at the farm.  Ian built a custom stage for Jessica's school which look fabulous.  Also, we've been commissioned by our neighbours to build a cart for the farmers markets.  I hope that Ian takes this as a real compliment.  This piece of work was commissioned based on them seeing what he had created here on the farm.  I've also started working on blending some medicinal teas, to be marketed in the new year.  It's great to have these opportunities, but once again requires us to push ourselves to the limits.  

It was all going so well until the snow came this week.  Despite popular perception about snow in Canada, here on the West Coast around Vancouver, we really don’t experience much extreme weather.  In fact, the 6 inch fall that came this week is probably the most snow I’ve seen in this area since we moved to Canada.  However, it was enough to expose some weaknesses at the farm and keep us panic working until late on cold nights.  The 6 inches of snow sat on top of the fruit cage netting creating a white ceiling of snow pillows.  To be fair, the netting has held up fairly well but some of the weaker timbers that we didn’t finish bracing in the summer buckled.  Nothing broken but we do need to do some remedial work on the fruit cage.  We also lost the old lean-to roof at the back of the barn.  No harm done really and that can wait.

What this period has taught me is not to spread myself too thin.  By embracing Farmageddon, we’ve chosen a lifestyle.  It’s a lifestyle that has many rewards but demands everything.  We can flirt with other pursuits but we must stay committed to our little homestead.  We must ride the ups and downs of our relationship with farming and give ourselves completely to make it work.  Sorry Old Navy but you won’t be getting me back next Christmas.

Food for thought....

I’m treating you to an extra post this week because next week there will be some actual homesteading activities to report (I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath), but in the meantime I have a few things to get off my chest.  I want to talk about food and emotions – two things that often go together, and one often triggers the other.

Let’s get emotions out of the way first.  I don’t know whether the adrenaline has ceased pumping after the busy time of moving or if my current emotional state is due to going through a major life event, but I’ve felt a bit down this week at times.

As you know, I'm a Brit abroad and it is sometimes hard to live so far away from your family and friends.  Obviously, when times are hard or challenging you yearn for family, friends and familiarity but also when things are good, I miss the opportunity to share it with them.  There’s been a few moments when I’ve been going about my daily activities and I see something beautiful, or I achieved something for the first time, that I wish I could share it with my family & friends in the UK.  Now I need you to understand that I am extremely grateful for my friends here in Canada and have been astounded by the level of support we have received, this is just about being reminded of people left behind.  The desire to hand my sister Shelley a glass of cider or tell Denise about a new granola bar recipe.  To share a laugh with Katie and Julie, or to pop in to Rowena’s for a cuppa while the kids play.  I also lost my Mother 2 years ago and I know she would have loved the idea of us embarking on this venture.

Anyway, I have to admit that a combination of all of this provoked a bout of tears yesterday in front of Ian.  I’m not normally a cryer, thankfully because when I do cry, it’s bad.  I can limit it to a few tears if no one asks me if I’m ok.  As soon as someone wants me to talk, I lose it.  My face involuntarily contorts, turns red and then the tears explode and I lose the ability to talk, breath, gain control.  The last time I had such a crying bout was approximately 4 years ago in the middle of London; a very public display!  We had just left the Canadian Embassy after a horrid experience at the visa office and I burst into tears.  Ian, bless him, tried to console me (or hide my hideous crying face from the general public) by pulling me in for a cuddle.  Unfortunately, he had a waterproof jacket on and so my tears and snot were basically rubbed back into my face and hair.  My muffled protests were mistaken for sobs which caused Ian to hold me tighter and not release me from drowning in my own bodily fluid.   This memory is a brilliant motivator to keep it together now when those moments of sadness pass over me.

Moving on to food.  I was telling a random stranger about our lifestyle transition and the motivations when the lady asked me what I meant by ‘food security’.  I started spouting some generic dribble but was struck about the lack of personal honesty of the words coming from my mouth. 

I read something in The Backyard Homestead Guide to RaisingFarm Animals recently that talked about the issue of food security.  It says:

“The term means different things to different people.  One definition involves having a reliable source of basic foods and not having to worry about going hungry.  Another requires the food to be sufficient quantity and quality to meet your dietary needs and satisfy your food preferences.  Still other definitions specify that the food be nutritious, safe, and healthful.  And some definitions incorporate the concepts of local self-sufficiency and environmental sustainability”.

The woman who questioned made me reflect on what it means to me personally.  All of the above definitions resonate with me but what does it mean on a practical level of running a homestead and providing food security to my family?  So I set about putting together some rules for a homestead that would enable my own personal definition of food security.

1. Animals raised for food production or meat will be allowed to roam free, and live in conditions as close to their natural environment as possible, whilst protecting them from the natural predators in the area.
   
2. The animals will get the best available diet, free of animal by-products.  Think grass-fed cows and flax added to the chicken’s diets, which will in turn enhance our diets.
3. Wherever possible, the animals will be slaughtered on site (not be me you understand, I’d like to think I could do it, but I can’t).  This reduces stress to the animal and reduces mercury released into the meat.
4. No unnatural fertilizers will be used for growing veg.  Last year we used mushroom compost which was very successful.  I do not want to put chemicals on the soil that grows our food, nor do I want these chemicals filtering down into the ground water…we live on a well and have to drink that water.  No matter how effective the natural filtration system, this is a something I want to avoid. 
5. We are not going to get our farm registered organic, because the buyer ends up paying, right?  However, we will set out a list of ethical growing practices, such as using natural predators and pollinators instead of insecticides, etc.
6. We will only use the water for food and animals, not for lawns.
7.  Our homestead will aim to produce minimal food waste.
8.  Finally, and most importantly to my personal values…I will never, no matter how hard things get, resort to making fruit wine, EVER!