The final breakdown

I'm writing this post before I change my mind. It's like a real-time update if you will. It's going to sound mopey and mauldling, but please do not post sympathy comments. You see, it is New Years Eve 2015 and I am mid breakdown. And I can't decide if it's a real 'beginning of the end' episode or if it's a 'end of the beginning' process.

Let me set the scene. As I mentioned it's new years eve. I had purchased a family ticket to the festivities on Grouse Mountain. But, I am sick so have sent mia familia off to enjoy themselves. There's certain factors playing into my perceived breakdown that aren't farm related at all. Sickness, for example. I keep having to stop & curl up in the fetal position while waves of stomach pain wash over me. My loving husband was unable to fulfill my requests of medicine and supplies because he could not stop working on the greenhouse in time to go to the store. I am also without any means to light the wood burning stove (it's going down to -7 tonight) so I am confined to the bedroom, the only room with any other form of heating.

I was actually in a rather calm state of mind as everyone left, quite relieved to suffer alone. However, I got up to try and light the fire and had a bout of stomach pain at the same time. The combination of the pain, profuse sweating, the no-fire predicament and the aloneness bought on unexpected wailing that, quite frankly, I was unprepared for. You see, it was not just a sob but consisted of loud cries of "I've had enough, oh god, I've had enough"....repeatedly.

What is going on with me?! Two scenarios present themselves to me.

The Beginning of the End: I have to confess that I've been struggling with the 'why we are here' dilemma. 2015 has been a great year for the farm in many aspects; achievements, recognition, awards, events, new products, new ventures, etc. but it has also been another extremely challenging year in other ways: the ongoing well issues, drought, the loss of animals, ongoing financial challenges, relentless work and relationship difficulties with my oldest daughter. I've used two analogies to summarize all this recently. The first I think I've heard somewhere before and I've adapted. I told Laura that my life is like a bar stool. 4 legs, and each one represents part of my life. Finance, Family, Work & Health. Again this year we struggled with money, family life is difficult, work is unmanageable, and although our health is generally good, we are having some challenges with our well-being too. A stool cannot stand up with all it's legs broken.

The second analogy relates to Ian, my incredible hard working and long suffering husband. Again, something I think I've heard before and plagiarized but living with Ian, a type-A, perfectionist and workaholic, is not always easy, despite the fact that I love him very much. I sometimes feel like he is driving along in a truck and I am not in the passenger seat but hanging on by my finger tips to the window. Sometimes I slip back to the tail gate and have to claw my way back to the window, but I still can't quite make it into the cab. It's great to have a motivated and ambitious husband but with all this hanging on, I'm getting bruised. I'm gathering scar tissue and I'm not sure I will ever take a comfortable seat as his passenger or if I'll just find myself struggling to keep up forever.

The next scenario is less negative, The End of the Beginning. 2 years and 5 months we have lived here and in Ian's very modest words "We've built an empire". It's true, we need to give ourselves credit for what we've achieved, how we've hung on to our values and the compromise we've endured. We have faced road blocks at every turn but here we are, writing our business plan for 2016. Things have to be easier next year. We will have more people involved in the running of the farm, a team that I'm excited about. This winter we are finishing off building projects, fencing and roofing. We are nearly done so that pressure will be relieved. Last year we finished installing our walk-in fridge 1 day before the meat chickens were due to be processed. In fact, we were still finishing the chickens coop as they arrived! The pressure was constantly on, everything was last minute, we lived life on a knife-edge. This year, there won't be any of that....hopefully. Maybe I like the chaos? Perhaps I'm mourning not having the chaos as an excuse and I have to pretend I know what I'm doing. I'm still a rookie at this. Does being a martyr suit me? Oh god, is that what I'm struggling to let go of?

The Farming 'dream' is obviously not over for us yet. We can't afford to leave even if we wanted to. But big changes are afoot, some of which I can't talk about yet. I am excited about 2016 as much as I am resentful of the work that goes with this crazy life. I still have this niggling feeling that there is a remote homestead somewhere for me and Ian and the girls that offers peace and calm. Luckily, I am not being asked to make that decision today. The only thing I have to achieve today is pulling myself together.

Laurica Farm, winner of the Greater Langley Chamber of Commerce Business Award 2015 for Environmental Leadership

Food for thought....

I’m treating you to an extra post this week because next week there will be some actual homesteading activities to report (I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath), but in the meantime I have a few things to get off my chest.  I want to talk about food and emotions – two things that often go together, and one often triggers the other.

Let’s get emotions out of the way first.  I don’t know whether the adrenaline has ceased pumping after the busy time of moving or if my current emotional state is due to going through a major life event, but I’ve felt a bit down this week at times.

As you know, I'm a Brit abroad and it is sometimes hard to live so far away from your family and friends.  Obviously, when times are hard or challenging you yearn for family, friends and familiarity but also when things are good, I miss the opportunity to share it with them.  There’s been a few moments when I’ve been going about my daily activities and I see something beautiful, or I achieved something for the first time, that I wish I could share it with my family & friends in the UK.  Now I need you to understand that I am extremely grateful for my friends here in Canada and have been astounded by the level of support we have received, this is just about being reminded of people left behind.  The desire to hand my sister Shelley a glass of cider or tell Denise about a new granola bar recipe.  To share a laugh with Katie and Julie, or to pop in to Rowena’s for a cuppa while the kids play.  I also lost my Mother 2 years ago and I know she would have loved the idea of us embarking on this venture.

Anyway, I have to admit that a combination of all of this provoked a bout of tears yesterday in front of Ian.  I’m not normally a cryer, thankfully because when I do cry, it’s bad.  I can limit it to a few tears if no one asks me if I’m ok.  As soon as someone wants me to talk, I lose it.  My face involuntarily contorts, turns red and then the tears explode and I lose the ability to talk, breath, gain control.  The last time I had such a crying bout was approximately 4 years ago in the middle of London; a very public display!  We had just left the Canadian Embassy after a horrid experience at the visa office and I burst into tears.  Ian, bless him, tried to console me (or hide my hideous crying face from the general public) by pulling me in for a cuddle.  Unfortunately, he had a waterproof jacket on and so my tears and snot were basically rubbed back into my face and hair.  My muffled protests were mistaken for sobs which caused Ian to hold me tighter and not release me from drowning in my own bodily fluid.   This memory is a brilliant motivator to keep it together now when those moments of sadness pass over me.

Moving on to food.  I was telling a random stranger about our lifestyle transition and the motivations when the lady asked me what I meant by ‘food security’.  I started spouting some generic dribble but was struck about the lack of personal honesty of the words coming from my mouth. 

I read something in The Backyard Homestead Guide to RaisingFarm Animals recently that talked about the issue of food security.  It says:

“The term means different things to different people.  One definition involves having a reliable source of basic foods and not having to worry about going hungry.  Another requires the food to be sufficient quantity and quality to meet your dietary needs and satisfy your food preferences.  Still other definitions specify that the food be nutritious, safe, and healthful.  And some definitions incorporate the concepts of local self-sufficiency and environmental sustainability”.

The woman who questioned made me reflect on what it means to me personally.  All of the above definitions resonate with me but what does it mean on a practical level of running a homestead and providing food security to my family?  So I set about putting together some rules for a homestead that would enable my own personal definition of food security.

1. Animals raised for food production or meat will be allowed to roam free, and live in conditions as close to their natural environment as possible, whilst protecting them from the natural predators in the area.
   
2. The animals will get the best available diet, free of animal by-products.  Think grass-fed cows and flax added to the chicken’s diets, which will in turn enhance our diets.
3. Wherever possible, the animals will be slaughtered on site (not be me you understand, I’d like to think I could do it, but I can’t).  This reduces stress to the animal and reduces mercury released into the meat.
4. No unnatural fertilizers will be used for growing veg.  Last year we used mushroom compost which was very successful.  I do not want to put chemicals on the soil that grows our food, nor do I want these chemicals filtering down into the ground water…we live on a well and have to drink that water.  No matter how effective the natural filtration system, this is a something I want to avoid. 
5. We are not going to get our farm registered organic, because the buyer ends up paying, right?  However, we will set out a list of ethical growing practices, such as using natural predators and pollinators instead of insecticides, etc.
6. We will only use the water for food and animals, not for lawns.
7.  Our homestead will aim to produce minimal food waste.
8.  Finally, and most importantly to my personal values…I will never, no matter how hard things get, resort to making fruit wine, EVER!